i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
