I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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