my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
