I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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