I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
