We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
