i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
