Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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