i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
