you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
