Apparently you make a good broom.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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