I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
