i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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