I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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