You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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