I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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