So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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