i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
