GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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