I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
