I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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