What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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