she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
