so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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