Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
