Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
