my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
