fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
