"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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