The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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