if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
