Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
