At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize