Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
