I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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