just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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