Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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