I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
