I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
