dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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