My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You smell like stripper and shame
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
