I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
