she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
