I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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