It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
