the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
