I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
