I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
