Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
