I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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