i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
where are you?
Hypothermia
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
