I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize