4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
