I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
