Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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