At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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