I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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