Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
