You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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