someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
